Missmee (original poster member #86349) posted at 3:30 PM on Wednesday, May 27th, 2026
I’m not sure I’ve posted this in the correct place. It’s been over a year now since finding about the affair and a lot has happened. I’m waiting to see a new therapist to work through a lot of the trauma I’ve been left with. But one thing keeps playing on my mind and I wondered if anyone else had this experience? So in the mix of the affair. My Ex would say to me things like, ‘do you think I spend all day with her I’m at work’ ‘do you think I leave my phone in the van and she picks me up?’ Now at the time I didn’t realise that the things he was saying where actually kind of confessions of what was happening. But he was making it seem like silly things that I was imagining. I’m guessing this was him gaslighting me?
This is something I will talk about to a therapist but wanted to know you guys thoughts and if this is a common experience for a betrayer spouse to experience?
Thanks
GotTheMorbs ( member #86894) posted at 3:51 PM on Wednesday, May 27th, 2026
If his goal was to turn your accurate suspicions about what was really going on into you just being unreasonable/crazy/paranoid, then yes, that's gaslighting. It undermines your trust in your own ability to perceive reality, such that you try to suppress the suspicions, and he can get away with continuing the behavior you're suspicious of. It's even more evil than straight dishonesty.
It's a really horrible thing to experience, and I'm sorry you went through it. I hope your therapist will be helpful with processing that and aid your healing.
[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 3:53 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]
Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, May 27th, 2026
I think the term is used too often and thrown around too casually. Gaslighting is a prolonged, deliberate and malicious effort to literally manipulate someone into believing that they are insane.
Lying, obfuscation, deflection and minimizing are an effort to avoid truth and its consequences. They're defenceman mechanisms and, often enough, manipulation tools.
Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022
"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown
BackfromtheStorm ( member #86900) posted at 9:01 PM on Wednesday, May 27th, 2026
If the goal is to get you to doubt yourself and your sanity then is gaslighting.
The whole thing is manipulation into convincing the other person they are not stable, paranoid and must be imagining things.
(In The case of betrayal)
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