SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years. We have both a newborn and a young child.

3 months ago - At 7 months pregnant - I happened upon a heart wrenching conversation via FB messenger with his female coworker. I was completely shocked and utterly heartbroken by the content. I didnt know what to do. My nature isn't to jump to conclusions, so I stayed silent till I had time to really think it through. After a few days of reflection, I decided instead of confronting him, I was going to take time to understand the severity of the situation. I've since (shamefully? I dunno, I question if I should be doing this) check his messages constantly. So far, it doesn’t seem to have gotten physical, but the flirting, suggestive jokes, and emotional connection between them are undeniable. He deletes messages methodically, but I see them without him knowing. He knows that boundaries are being crossed. Still, on the surface, he’s affectionate, helpful around the house, and keeps up our sex life. It’s so confusing. I feel like I’m losing my mind trying to reconcile these two versions of him.

And even after all this, I still love him. It sickens me, but how does one just stop their emotional connection with someone after being together for nearly half of their life.
I cannot tell close family or friends. I do not want them to hate him because I dont hate him. I can't hate the father of my children; the person I have dedicated so much of my life to, despite the clear lack of respect to myself and our marriage on his part.

I know he loves me. He loves me for my emotional, physical, financial support. I keep house, I am the mother to his kids, I am his support system. I know I am still his best friend. But, I'm no longer exciting to him. This coworker is exciting; she sparks the flame that I don't anymore.

Right now, I’m too scared to confront him. He can have a temper at times, and could turn this on me (ie, why would I check his messages, thats private, how dare I invade his privacy, etc).
Am I really scared of his reaction of confronting given the evidence I already have? Or, am I scared that I have to face what could be the demise of our 15+ year relationship? That's the question. I’ve been quietly collecting what I can, hoping for something undeniable - something so grandiose he cant argue. But I keep wondering if I am just dragging out the inevitable? Is it worth waiting for more "proof," or am I just hurting myself by staying silent? I keep telling myself once I see that "undeniable text" or have proof he physically cheated, then I'll be strong enough to confront him.

I’d really appreciate any insight. I feel completely alone.

Your reaction is perfectly normal. No one wants to believe what they discover. Everyone wants to erase the bad news and go back to normal.

You skated over something that sounds scary…his temper. If you think he might harm you then plan on leaving with the kids when he is away from home.

I hope you are looking after your health. It, and your children, come first.

Others will be along to give you comfort and suggestions. In the meantime you need to be proactive. Consult an attorney to see what will happen if you two separate. See a doctor if you are suffering from anxiety.

Hi I wanted to send love and hugs, im going through something very similar to you and in the same situation and feel exactly the same. I hope you are ok you will get good support on here xxx

You have to know that most cheaters don’t cheat because they hate their spouse. While some cheaters will complain about their spouse, the spouse is not the reason people cheat.

He cheats because of the thrill of the affair. Someone else notices him. She’s interested. It’s all new and exciting!

It’s something the cheater thinks he can get away with.

But it has nothing to do with you. I think betrayed people have to stop thinking if he/she really loved me then there would be no cheating.

And IMO your spouse has already crossed a boundary and devoted time to another woman. The sexual innuendo is crossing the line too. And it’s all hidden and sneaky and your proof is he deletes the messages. Because he knows it’s wrong.

You don’t need proof. this is not a court of law. He is behaving badly and at the very least having an EA. His temper is weaponized to silence you.

You have two small kids. Think about what you want to model for them. What you want them to see modeled as healthy behavior. And what happens if their dad has a PA and then brings home an STI to his mom.

And yes, he values you. You make his life easy. Who wouldn’t love that? So he is cake eating. One thing you can do is shut down your bakery. Stop being all those things for him.

Also, a short series of IC sessions for you might help you get the clarity you need to confront him.

This is hard stuff - take care of yourself and your kids.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this, especially with a newborn to care for. I think you're describing an EA (emotional affair). EAs ARE devastating. You're not crazy - this is something that can lead to D. It's also possible to rebuild after an EA.

You DON'T know if you excite your H or not. You're not at your best now, but your H may realize that. (If he doesn't, do you really want him?) But you can't know what's really going on without talking to him.

Avoiding issues kills relationships. Love is not enough to rebuild an M after infidelity (or an other betrayal). At some point, you're going to have to choose between stifling yourself and sharing/confronting your concerns/your H. If you choose stifling yourself, you'll have to do it day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.

Fearing violence is a reason to leave. Fearing angry words from your H may or may not be another. In actuality, your H's first response may be guilt and/or shame, not anger. If he does get angry, I'd much rather be guilty of invading privacy than cheating when my W was pregnant.

You know your sitch better than anyone here does. What's your best guess about what is best for you?

Is there someone who can be with you when/if you confront?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:31 PM, Saturday, August 2nd]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're learning about the infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that are good resources. Also, there are other posts that are valuable that aren't pinned and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources.

Your WH (wayward husband) is on a slippery slope to this becoming physical, and EAs can be very damaging. The book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass even has a quiz to help identify if this is an A (affair). The book is a great reference and also discusses setting boundaries between the couple and those outside of the M (marriage).

You mention that he has a temper and will turn it on you. Has he been physically abusive? If he has, I suggest you leave.

You mention that they work together. Is one in a supervisory role over the other? If so, that's a recipe for disaster and lawsuits.