SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Male, 28 years together with my female partner but never married. 18 years ago discovered she had spent the previous 5 years being unfaithful with multiple ONS’s.

I tell myself/pray every day that I should forgive her, but I have never got my head around what forgiveness looks like. The fact that I’m tortured by it daily, and in turn torment her with my questions and generally giving her hard time about it, I think must mean I haven’t moved on and haven’t properly forgiven her.

She’s always maintained that she wants to stay together, and I’ve never really wanted to separate, more so since we now have two teenage kids, I can’t begin to think about dealing with the fallout for them.

But we’re both miserable and I’m now starting to think that the kindest thing I can do is leave, despite the monumental upheaval. I think if we separate then at least we don’t have to live through these emotions daily and can seek to satisfy our needs with others free of adverse thoughts of shame, embarrassment, inadequacy and guilt. Is that what forgiveness looks like? Moving on?

I agree that forgiveness is overrated People will come along and say forgiveness is for the forgiver but that is irrational to me. If you work on letting go of the resentment in therapy for example, you can have the same outcome without having to give the offender the moral guilt alleviation.

I think if you're miserable you should divorce. Perhaps the middle ground would to be agreed that you stay together on paper only and both get your needs met free from one another. Basically a sham relationship. These situations can work in complicated family situations.

Has she shown remorse? Has she given you reasons?

If no kids were present would you have left already?