Is this a threat

My wife and I were discussing what my expectitions are and will be in the future. We’re about a year out from dday. One of the things I expect once we have reconciled is sex. I haven’t made any demands for sex. I specifically said that I don’t expect sex any time soon. I know this is a long process and I wouldn’t expect sex for at least another year. I do at some point expect our relationship to become sexual again however. If she doesn’t intend to ever have sex with me ever again that is a problem for me and I don’t think we can have a mutually fulfilling relationship if that is the case. I have not made any demands on frequency or when this would begin to occur. Just for context I was overly sexually demanding on my wife and my hypersexuality and sex addiction was absolutely part of my infidelity. My wife previously felt pushed to have sex with me. I am in IC now and am not sexually acting out now. No porn, masturbation, or sexual activity unless my wife is involved now. Here’s my question, does my eventual expectation of sex constitute a threat in your opinion? The threat implied is that my wife feels that I am threatening divorce. I was a liar and didn’t make my expectations clear before. I need to be sure not to make that mistake ever again and making expectations clear is super important. Thanks.

1 comment posted: Wednesday, April 1st, 2026

It’s not an excuse is it?

7 months out from d day. Both in IC, we tried CC and found she wasn’t ready to do anything remotely like avoiding Gotman’s 4 horseman so it seemed we weren’t ready for CC. I appear to fit the description of SA so I’ve been doing work and reading about it. I’ve also been doing a bit of IFS work though not with my IC. BS has been very vocal that she finds both IFS therapy as well as SA to be excuses. I don’t offer them as excuses as nothing can excuse my behavior. I cheated, lied, masturbated to porn, and spoke badly about her online. Although we seem to have good days and bad the good days always turn bad if she asks me "why" and I explain that a child that was me a long time ago discovered sex and porn and used them both to "help" with an abusive family life and now adult me so many years later still tries to use sex and porn to cope with triggering emotions. So here’s the question, is sex addiction an excuse? Does Internal Family Systems Therapy discussing my parts become an excuse? In no way do I try and duck accountability for any of my actions. I did those awful things and I am paying the price. No amount of abuse makes any of my actions not my fault. Suggestions? Am I making excuses in your opinion?

A bit of back story, her father was a BH and a repeat offender at that. He was the first of many men that abandoned her. Her longest relationship before me cheated as well before proposing then breaking up with her the next day. She has a history of depression that I’ve revived in a big way as I was the redeeming member of my gender. Men are now all bad excluding our 9yo.

Thanks for reading.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, October 14th, 2025