SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well said. What a wild and at times, terrifying ride this has been.

I have been in the R world for almost 6 years. The shame of staying is really getting to me. I hear friends and family talk about cheaters and state "He or she would be gone in a minute." "I'd never stay" "They will always do it again." on and on. It's very painful to hear while I sit in silence with that and know the secret of my marriage- it's flawed, he nor I are perfect people and we are working on it to keep our family together and he's been contrite in actions. There are good times and somehow it still feels full of shame and isolating.

I have questions for those still in the relationship.....

Did you tell your adult children? How- what if the reaction alienates me from them?
Do friends know about the WH's actions- are they still willing to be friends?

I feel shame that we are together -is this weakness? I don't tell anyone about his cheating, but feel very alone in this journey. I am new to this site and I appreciate a place to feel connected to others walking this difficult path. Is true healing possible? Thanks! :)

In our case, Smilemore, we have a tight knit group of married friends. Originally, my wife's girlfriends knew about her A as she was confessing to them and trying to get out of it. They were instrumental in some parts of our recovery, but I still battle some resentment towards them for not "forcing the issue", or telling me themselves. Their husbands are my best friends, and we have talked about how if it was one of us, we each believe we would have physically marched the one of us who was cheating in to his wife and forced him to spill the beans or we would. Maybe a male thing? IDK. At the end of the day, these couples have remained loyal friends to us, including to my WW. I know they experienced hurt from her actions, too, and she had to rebuild trust with them, as well as me.

Our children are not adults, but our oldest daughters are 18 and 16. Telling them was incredibly painful, and we still battle daily with whether we should have or not. Ultimately we believed it would be more painful for them if they found out years later. So we were honest and prayerful about it and we did it together. Our son is 13 and does not know. We still don't know if or when we will tell him.

Smilemore….I did feel some shame as the BS….that I stayed. I’m 7 years out from DDay. I felt like I must be weak in some way.

Bottom line, working through this, coming out on the other side-whether we stay or go….takes a superhuman amount of emotional strength and resilience. We’re not weak. We are epic badasses.