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Newest Member: divarx

General :
18 years later and still not over it!

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WB1340 ( member #85086) posted at 12:59 AM on Saturday, July 26th, 2025

The fact she refuses to give you the information you need speaks volumes. She's gambling on you just giving up and being content with what you have. She's probably worried that if she gives you all the information you'll leave. You need to convince her that you are leaving unless you get all the information and it doesn't matter how many times you ask the same questions she needs to answer them over and over.

I'm going to assume that since it's been so many years and you're still there that she's banking on you just accepting the status quo and giving up seeking answers from her. Like others have recommended have a sit down with an attorney to discuss your options and let your wife know that you're doing it

Right now your wife is in control and you need to take back the control. Letting her know you have an appointment with a divorce attorney maybe the impetus she needs to either answer your questions or agree to a divorce but what you're living with right now is never going to get better

D-day April 4th 2024. WW was sexting with a married male coworker. Started R a week later, still ongoing...

posts: 159   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2024
id 8873490
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Pogre ( member #86173) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, July 29th, 2025

I think HouseOfPlane nailed it here.

WGOI, you’ve been heard.

Right now you are not in control, she is. She has something that you want, and that puts her in control. If you want it desperately, that puts her an even more control.

So how do you take back control? You do it by giving yourself a choice. At a minimum you have three choices, you can continue to live in pain, you can deeply accept that you won’t know the full truth and stop rolling in the manure of the affair, or you can divorce. You control these choices completely, she has no play in it.

Right now the easiest path, and by that I mean, the one that takes the least work, is to just live in pain. The alternatives are so much harder to achieve that they don’t even feel like a choice.You should fix that.

The way to fix it is to aggressively move towards a divorce. See a lawyer, understand your rights, understand the possible outcomes, and draw up the papers. Do this even if you don’t want a divorce, because what you really wanna do is you wanna give yourself choice.

When you are now sitting on the fence, when you put yourself in a position that it is just as easy to jump back into the marriage as it is to move towards a divorce, or to just stay on the fence watching and waiting, then you are in complete control. You know that whichever path you now choose it was your choice.

Work to put yourself in the position mentally where you are OK staying or going. Where you can ask your wife questions, and if she doesn’t answer the questions that’s OK because you are OK going. Again, you are in control.

Sending strength!

You need to regain control, and moving toward divorce, whether you talk to a lawyer or even file for divorce, doesn't mean you HAVE to get divorced, but it will send the message that you're not messing around and you're not going to take it anymore. She needs to come clean and talk to you about it if there's any chance at fixing this and helping you heal. If she's unwilling to do that, then it should give you an indication that she might not love you or respect you enough to tell you the truth and give you what you need to work through this. If that ends up being the case, is she someone you even want to be with?

In either case, taking some action and drawing a line in the sand will at least give you some sense of control back. Rug sweeping, as you've done for the last several years, almost never works out in these situations. Whatever happens, I hope the best for you, man. I know the pain you're feeling right now and it really, really sucks.

Where am I going... and why am I in this handbasket?

posts: 108   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2025   ·   location: Arizona
id 8873667
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 WandaGetOverIt (original poster new member #86366) posted at 10:42 PM on Wednesday, July 30th, 2025

Not been on here since I first posted, and truly grateful for all the responses. Common theme seems to be we never get over it. I should point out that we're not married, we never got married although we have been together for 28 years. She didn't have an 'affair' as such, it was a series of one night stands. I don't know which is worse, a long term affair, or what my OH did for at least 5 years. She confessed to 3, although I'm pretty sure there's more. As for leaving, our kids are 12 and 15 and very happy, oblivious to my feelings which I just conceal as best as I can, not difficult to do in front of them, it's more when me and my OH are alone that issues resurface. I think I'd struggle with the thought of making them unhappy if I left now, but part of me thinks I should work on a long term exit strategy. Is there ever an age to minimise the damage to kids? What really gets to me is she never asks me if I want to talk about it, never opens the conversation with a 'sorry'. Why do we hang on? I feel so weak, gullible, stupid - even 18 years later.

WGOI

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2025   ·   location: North west
id 8873723
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:36 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2025

Are You still living in the same area she had the affairs, doing so can create unending triggers.

Do you know who the other people were, can you visit them?

Does she have many people on her social media any of whom might be unknown former partners?

My god so many questions

At about 20 years it hit me, I think because I had more time with my kids being less dependent on me as I got older

posts: 1552   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8873731
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 WandaGetOverIt (original poster new member #86366) posted at 6:57 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2025

survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:36 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2025

Are You still living in the same area she had the affairs, doing so can create unending triggers.

Do you know who the other people were, can you visit them?

Does she have many people on her social media any of whom might be unknown former partners?

My god so many questions

At about 20 years it hit me, I think because I had more time with my kids being less dependent on me as I got older

Yes we still live in the same area, different house but next street.

I don't look at her social media.

Two of the three that she initially confessed to I know (she eventually confessed to a fourth but in her eyes it wasn't as bad as they didn't have full intercourse, just oral sex). One was a colleague, and the other she didn't realise I knew, he's 11 years younger than me.

Why oh why 18 years on can I not get this out of my head.

WGOI

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2025   ·   location: North west
id 8873736
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 10:12 AM on Thursday, July 31st, 2025

WGOI

Respectfully, why do you stay? It sounds like this is a dealbreaker for you and has been for 18 years. Do you want to be back here in another 18 years still feeling this way?

Me -FWS

posts: 2141   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8873738
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