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24 years ago when my husband and I first started talking (unofficially dating and having sex regularly for several months), a friend of mine pulled me aside and told me that he had sex with a different friend of ours. I confronted him and he admitted it but said that we weren't officially dating and he didn't know I liked him like that. He said that his encounter with her was a drunken accident and he couldn't really remember how it happened.I was 17 and he was 20 when it happened. I didn't talk to him for about a week but eventually took his call. He wanted to be with me and I really did like him, so we got back together. I got pregnant about 3 months later, we have 2 sons and we've been happily married for 21 years. Just this last November, my husband was talking poorly about a man he works with that was cheating on his wife. I snapped at him and told him that he cheated on me and it sparked this terrible PTSD about that time 24 years ago. I started remembering things and questioning him and all of his answers changed into a new, terrible version of what I had previously thought. Not only was the sex with my friend 24 years ago not an accident, it was something that he had planned and tried to conquer for weeks behind my back. He actually went to pick my friend up on a date the night he had sex with her. He had met up with her on other nights and made out with her on several occasions as well. He took her to his mom's house where I had always been with him and lied about the whole thing. He says that he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't even like her but that a demon told him to do it. I asked him what other affairs or sex partners he had had in the past and he disclosed that he had a year long relationship with a 23 year old woman he worked with and had sex with her over 100 times. He also says he had sex with a woman who he can't remember her name but he says she was friends with the 23 year old. He says he didn't have any feelings for those women either and that he wasn't attracted to them either. I feel so cheated and just plain gross. Who is this man I'm married to? I still feel like there's things he's not telling me about all of the women. How can I stop thinking about it. It's like an ugly movie that keeps playing over and over and over again. He keeps saying I'm a lunatic and that it happened 24 years ago and that he loves me. He says he was trying to push me away back them because he was scared of commitment. He has been a wonderful husband. Why does this feel like he is cheating on me now? I am hurt and depression is real. How can I move past this? I truly love my husband and I believe he's sorry.

Hi Unofficial,

I’m so sorry you’re here and in so much pain. Can you clarify when the relationships with the 23 year old and her friend occurred? Was it after you’d gotten married?

In the meantime, breathe. Take care of yourself physically: stay active, exercise if you can, or just go for a walk. Make sure you eat regularly. You probably have no appetite, but you have to eat. Drink protein shakes if you must. Stay hydrated. If you’re having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about getting some sleep aids. Consider asking for anti-anxiety medicine or anti-depressants if you need them.

You should be seeing a therapist to help you work through this, ideally one who specializes in betrayal trauma.

Part of what’s happening here is that for him it was 24 years ago, but for you, with all this new information, it’s like it happened yesterday. He’s had 24 years to process this and come to some understanding. You have only had a few months. He needs to stop calling you a lunatic immediately if not sooner.

On top of that, you’re having trouble believing him, and with reason. People don’t usually have sex with people they aren’t attracted to. Almost no one has sex with someone over 100 times for a year if they aren’t attracted, and it’s equally hard to believe there were no feelings involved.

Regarding the mind movies: here’s an article from the healing library that can help you. There’s loads of other good stuff there too that can help: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

Finally, you don’t just "move past this". It takes work and time. Keep posting here, this is a great community who can help, and there are many here who have reconciled successfully.

24 years or 24 minutes, betrayal is betrayal. And the trickle truth can be more devastating. Just when you think you know everything you discover you do not. Now you don't know if you can ever trust him/her again. When will the story change again?

If you can start talking with a therapist that specializes in trauma. I think it could help start you on the path to healing

This is in no way a small thing. This is devestation. You mind and heart are now broken. You am have severe Betrayal Trauma. Your life has changed in a moment.

Please search Jake Porter on YouTube and check out his video. They will help you understand what is happening.

You need support. Make sure to tell someone close you can trust. If you get therapy, make sure to get a betrayal trauma specialist.

Seel God, He can strengthen and comfort you. 🙏

He admitted that he lost his virginity this 23 year old when he was 16. She had TWO kids at the time. It makes me feel so dirty. I thought he had sex maybe a handful of times before I met him. I lost my virginity to him and never EVER imagined he had had sex over a hundred times. He says he spent the night at her apartment more than 20 times and they had to wait for her kids to go to sleep before they had sex. She would buy my husband alcohol and let him have sex with her regularly for a year. When we were young and still "unofficial" her name showed up on his pager. When I asked who she was he said she was just some girl he used to date not a long term, sexual relationship. I also found pictures of this woman's daughter's school pictures in his truck when I was pregnant. He threw them away and said he didn't know how they got there. I'm pretty sure he was still seeing her then too and lied about the timeline of their relationship. It makes me physically sick to think about. Even though it was before I met my husband it makes me feel cheap. Especially because he says he was only attracted to her because she was lonely and let him have sex with her. I'm just devastated. I think he was still talking to her when I was pregnant with my first son. Add that to all the only bad news and I'm barely surviving. How can you have intercourse with someone for a year, and claim you weren't attracted to her? How can you seek out my friend for sex, and claim you were never attracted to her. LIES! ALL LIES! AND HE TELLS ME I'M CRAZY!

Boy, that kind of changes things for me.

My son is 15. If, next year, some 23 year old is plying him with booze and sleeping with him I’m calling the cops. In some jurisdictions what happened to your H would be statutory rape. There’s always comments like "that’s a teenage dream", but I think it’s pretty harmful to these boys. There’s a real case that your H was the victim of abuse. I mean, my son is nowhere near ready for that kind of thing.