SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know there are no crystal balls, but I'm wondering if the majority of cheaters who leave end up regretting their choice. We had 28 years of stability and love that he left over a 6 week affair. I'm now alone in a house that's too big for just me. I haven't eaten since I found out 5 days ago. I can't stop crying. I just want to know that, one day, he'll come to regret leaving a life of love and stability, bc we were great. He even told a therapist (that he was seeing for unrelated reasons) immediately before this happened how incredibly good we've been doing for so many years. I'm just lost. He's rewriting history now and is very much so in the fog.

Yes he will regret it.

But he may never admit it to you (or anyone).

An affair is not based in reality. It’s based on a fantasy. The cheaters are living in a dopamine bubble where everything is "perfect".

No kids or bills or in-laws to worry about. No illnesses or serious work issues etc b/c they hide from it for the few hours they are together. Someone else is dealing with that stuff for them.

Why do you think second marriages often don’t last? Odds are stacked against them for a bunch of reasons - especially if the marriage started out as an affair.

One of them will most likely cheat when the going gets tough. And don’t be obligated to have sympathy for him when he gets dumped.

Thank you, 1stwife. I'm hurting so badly and just want to know that, at some point, it'll be tossed right back to him. I just can't believe he did this to me after so long together and after telling everyone how happy we are. It makes no sense to me no matter how hard I try to make it make sense. I'm devastated.

I don’t know how old you are but it could be the typical (cliched) mid life crisis. I lived through one of those.

I had a similar experience but mine was out of the blue. One night - 💥 boom! He’s having an affair. Next week I find out he’s kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW. No fight or drama. Just - he’s bored, he’s aging, he needs validation from someone other woman and I’m out.

We did survive it but barely.

Things changed b/c I changed. I stopped being a doormat, kicked him to the curb and planned to D him.

Suddenly he’s begging ME to reconcile. It took me a year to actually believe he really meant it.

I strongly urge you to find some professional counseling for yourself. It saved my sanity and helped me get my exit strategy together just in case.

You may need a good lawyer too. You will survive this. We all do. But right now your life is upended and you need support.

Not from the cheater btw.

Read up on the 180. Do what you can to protect yourself.

Imagine this:

You begin a relationship based upon lies, fantasy,pretending and betraying and lying to another person.

Do you think there is a human being out there that can have a serene outcome after that?

Not even sociopaths are, they might not care about bonds but the mere fact that they are the person who lies and betrays gets projected on every next relationship for the rest of their lives.

Because we mirror what is our inside world.

And yes, in that case the reflection they found is exactly what they project and did to you.
So betrayals and a desert of emptiness and paranoia is in their future.

That’s what they come to regret, not what they did to you, they don’t care for you, but where they stepped in to.
It’s an ocean of mud and everything will be tainted by that.

Is selfish regret, not atonement, but yes, they always regret it.

I’ll tell you what happened to my parents. My dad cheated on my mom with multiple women, and finally got caught in their 40th year of marriage. He left her at the age of 62 for this younger woman. It’s now 20 years later. My dad is basically estranged from me and my sisters. He barely knows his grandchildren. He lost all of their mutual friends. I asked him, some time ago if he regrets it and his answer was, and I quote, that he "wished some things had turned out differently." He is certainly unhappy about much of what happened, but he won’t blame himself, he’ll say that my mother manipulated everyone against him, that his kids are disloyal and unfair, stuff like that. I don’t know if that’s representative or not; but when I think about it, I think that he can’t let himself say he regrets it. It’s too hard for him. It would mean he shredded his life for a mistake. If he were the kind of person who could be honest with himself about it, he probably wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

But my mom - she’s doing great. She’s healthy, happy, active and all around in a great place. Let’s get you there!

Take care of yourself - you have to eat. Get some exercise. See a doctor if you need sleep-aids, or anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds.

And reach out to people. Family, friends, whomever. Get their support. Tell them BH left you for [insert name here] after knowing her for 6 weeks. They will be there for you. And quite possibly they’ll see your pain and hear what he did and like him a whole lot less. It’s not the reason to do it, but you certainly don’t need to keep anything "private" for his benefit, and you DEFINITELY have nothing to be embarrassed about. If it has the effect of shining a light on who he really is and costing him relationships, well that’s just too bad for him, isn’t it.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 12:52 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]

I don’t know if that’s representative or not

Very.

Thing is, you can fall out of love if you find out that the person you choose is not really working out for you.
It’s highlighting a bad choice, but that can happen and there is nothing shameful about breaking up with and go separate ways like grown up adults, with mutual respect.

Betrayal is sexual and emotional abuse. You definitely don’t do that to anyone (betrayal, rape, harassment, narcissistic manipulation, violence, any kind of sexual, physical or emotional abuse tells a lot about the person perpetrating it and their issues) unless you have serious issues.

In every single case you will see the person justifying their abuse somehow, they can’t be the bad guy no matter how low they get.

Is not they’re ignoring how wrong it is, they know perfectly or else they would not need to tell themselves the stories and justifications that are always there.

Admitting it is the first step to healing, but you must face the reality and consequences of yourself being the villain.

People who indulge into those acts done so because their ego demands lies first, is just too scared of facing the mirror.

So will they look in the mirror? No, they know how awful the reflection is, like Dorian gray the mirrors must be covered and never looked into.

The people who do are the one who can heal, and it takes bravery to make that step, is changing your self entirely from the ground up.

That’s why unfortunately it is representative, telling yourself stories and lies is "easier" than to face the monster inside you.
So you trap yourself in a prison of your own making, the cage is open but the fear is stronger than any iron bars, and they stay there most often than not.

When you betray or abuse you betray yourself first, pay it with a piece of your soul.

There’s no easy coming back from that.

Unfortunately you cannot deal with someone who is in the affair fog.

The rewriting of the marriage is all too common with Cheaters. Because they need to justify their crappy behavior — and absolve themselves of any guilt. Which is why they blame the betrayed spouse for the affair.

We too had a really good marriage. I didn’t try to change my H but accepted we communicated a bit less (his doing not mine). So during his second affair, which was a typical midlife crisis affair with a much younger woman, he completely rewrote our marriage.

He claimed he was unhappy for years (not true)
He claimed that he no longer "was in love with me" (news to me as his behavior was very consistent up to Dday)
He told me that I never loved him and married him for other reasons (most ridiculous thing I ever heard)

Trying to reason with him while he was in this mindset was a waste of time and energy. He had a reason or excuse or justification for everything.

And all of it was to justify why he chose to cheat. And it was all my doing.

The best you can do is get a support team around you, including a professional counselor. Start protecting yourself by doing the 180 and see an attorney for a free consult now.

Don’t call him or try to reason with him. It only makes things worse. My H was very annoyed by anything I said or did during his affair. In his eyes I was weak and pathetic. He actually would get upset and mad at me if I cried over things he said and did during his affair.

I know exactly what you are going through. Keep posting here to get some support.

One thing I can tell you is that when I would start to detach, my H would get jealous and start to be a bit nicer. It would only last a few days and then he’d go back to putting the OW first and being mean again.

But I can tell you the day I told him I was D him and kicked him out, it was a game changer. I took back all my power and refused to even speak to him. And even though we have reconciled I still control my life. If he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is. No joke. I became a badass — even though I spent decades being a doormat and putting everyone else first.

I have to be honest here. This is all about new sex. The man has lost his mind. Someone on here might know the timeline before the bloom is off the rose but it will happen. Maybe 6 months to 2 years? Anyway, try not to take this as anything wrong with you. There is a book out right now by a woman whose husband cheated, left and gave up being a parent. About the same age as you. I am a social worker. I have found that some people have a well developed loyalty gene, and, some don’t. As long as a new toy is seen as less valuable they stick around, but when the shiney one comes along off they go. It has nothing to do with the bs. Give up the idea that he was the most wonderful husband in the world. Btw, almost 21% of men leave their wives if she has cancer. No loyalty gene.
What you need to do is look after your health. See a dr about temp meds for anxiety. Eat healthy. Get enough sleep. Be active. Walk, hike, bike, Pilates, something. Being physically busy helps sweat some "poison" out and tires you out.

IMHO there are really only two ways he might regret it.

One is if you two reconcile. If done properly the WS regrets their actions and the pain and damage caused for life.
The other is if this ends in divorce then eventually he learns his new love farts, doesn’t like dogs, get’s moody, doesn’t like football… whatever. He realizes that despite the new environment he took along his old problem – namely himself.

If the later – I would hope that you will have moved on to a place where his regret has no value or impact for you.

--

I can share that I lost most/direct contact with my ex fiancé in the 6-18 months after d-day and had no contact at all maybe 3 years after d-day for about 20 years. About that time, visiting my old home-town, I ran into an old mutual friend who told me about her life after we split up. Basically it was a very sad life, full of lost opportunities and bad decisions. Probably because she took herself without change moving forward. When I got back to my hotel I guess I spent all of 3 minutes thinking of her, and the overwhelming emotion was pity and sadness for HER. No regret, no satisfaction that I "won"… Then my mind went on to more important issues like where to eat that evening.
I like to think that had I heard she married an Italian prince and spent her time on their yacht in the Mediterranean I would still have been thinking about hamburger.

Thank you so much again, 1stwife. You're helping me process this. We're exactly at the age when this would be considered a mod-life crisis. All I keep hoping is that he regrets it and comes crawling back and that I'm strong enough to tell him I can't do this again. Because this is breaking me in a way I couldn't have expected.

I don't know how to reply to individual people, but thank each of you for replying. It's helping me get through the toughest time in my life. I definitely think he has low self esteem and needs validation. He's also a binge drinker. We really had no issues in our relationship, because I was clueless that he was drinking again. I'm just stunned that we went from a couple that people envied to me being cheated on. I would have never suspected this. I had no clue.

I haven't been able to eat or even shower. I am seeing a therapist. Her advice was to look at this like a break, because he'll end up regretting it and wanting to come back. She said the goal is to get me strong enough to feel in control when that happens. Is that good advice? I don't want to look at it like a break if he'll never actually want to come back.

Im not talking to him at all and have no plans except for financial purposes.

[This message edited by Inawe at 6:32 PM, Wednesday, May 27th]

I’m very sorry this has happened to you, but you are in a great place for support. It may not be comforting to know, but in my time here I have seen this scenario many times in a long term partnership. A mid-life crisis is no excuse. Will he regret his actions? Maybe? Who knows? But even if he did have regrets he may be too proud to admit it. Be prepared that sometime in the future he may approach you to be his friend. It’s a move to ease his guilt and shame. Most importantly take care of yourself. Drink protein shakes to keep your strength if you can’t handle food. Get support from close friends and family. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

Rather than consider this a break as recommended by your IC. I would consider that your WH has died. Certainly, the man you thought he was has passed away. You need to grieve the loss. There is no way around it. But you will get through this to be a better place. Time will help. No contact with your WH will help you heal. Good luck.